Sunday, November 18, 2012

Ezra Judes Home Birth

I don't know if it had been the emotions that i had been experiencing all day or the fact that i had just had some "Special" time with my husband, but at exactly 10:30pm i had my first contraction.
With the dim light of a candle i laid in bed watching the clock on my phone for almost 2 hours in a suppressed excitement. I was ending my 8th day of being "overdue" and didn't want to get my hopes up in case the contractions stopped. Thankfully they didn't... but little did i know they would continue for the next 36 hours.
I decided i would go downstairs since i was certain that this was going to be a faster labor than my first (30hrs). I had plenty of things to keep me occupied and out of bed. I wanted every contraction to count and so standing upward and walking around was my main prerogative.
Around 12:30am i gave in and texted my mom who called me right away.
Afterward i called my Midwife to just let her know that i was having contractions. She said to call her back whenever i wanted her to come out.
At 2:30am i snuck up to our bedroom and gently woke Dan up to let him know that i was having contractions and that my mom was on her way over. I told him to go back to sleep though, because he would need his rest.
My mom came over around 3am and slept on our lounge chair while i tried to rest on our couch.

Dan and Isaiah groggily came downstairs around 8am. Isaiah and i curled up together while he ate a banana and Dan recorded me telling him that we were going to meet the baby soon. It was a sweet morning, so relaxed. We took our last couple pictures of just the 3 of us. We ate breakfast and hung around the house just waiting for my contractions to continue to pick up. As i hadn't gotten much sleep the night before my mom thought it best if they leave me alone to sleep for a while. They went on a long 2 hour hike and stopped at the store and i was able to curl up on the couch and finally sleep. It felt so good!
After they got back home i got up and realized that i probably should have gone on the walk with them. My contractions had slowed WAY down, and weren't hardly uncomfortable at all. I was pretty bummed.
Thankfully my best friend Mandy was on her way over to keep me company for a while before she had to head out of town. It was a pleasant break from my frustration and it was nice to have her there with me. We decided that her, Isaiah and i would take a small walk down to the river near our house since i was in need of some exercise. I had a couple contractions while we were walking, but nothing very strong. When we got back home she asked if she could give me a foot massage. Since i had recently gotten a pedicure i agreed. haha!
This is where things seemed to change for the better for me. I noticed halfway thru her massage that my contractions were getting much stronger. Nothing to make me uncomfortable in my sitting position, but finally picking up. I kept my excitement to myself.
After we said our sad goodbyes we all hung around the house a bit more and waited for my Father-in-law to arrive. He was over for about an hour and after he left we sat down to eat dinner. I gave Isaiah a bath and he watched in amusement while i danced around the bathroom during my contractions, i was SO ready to get things moving faster. Afterward he and i went upstairs to snuggle. After laying there for a couple minutes i knew i wouldn't last long. During each contraction i kept awkwardly standing up out of bed while Isaiah was trying to fall asleep.
I HAVE to be moving during my contractions. It helps me so much to rock my hips side to side, or front to back, or to squat. I prefer not to lay still. I gave up trying to lay there with Isaiah and asked Dan to take over. I layed down on the couch while my mom crocheted and Dan eventually came downstairs as well.
I was pretty tired at this point and just wanted a little bit of sleep. Every time a contraction came i would change from laying down on the couch to leaning my elbows on the arm rest so that i was in an upright position.

After a while of that frustrating "back and forth game" i asked Dan to call his Mom and let her know she could come over. It was about 12:30am and i decided i should update my Midwife Sara as well. She said that her and her apprentice, Jodi would make their way out.
I asked Dan to lay on the lounge chair so that i could at least have his hand available. Its amazing how the hand of a husband can lend so much support to a laboring women even if he is completely asleep. I was so thankful to have him there with me. During this time i did the majority of my squatting as it felt the most comfortable (Gravity is your best friend during labor!)
My Mother-in-law, Julie, arrived who was shortly followed by my Midwife. I was so happy to see Sara and Jodi as it was another reminder that i was making my way through this long labor. They brought a few things in, Jodi listened to the babies heartbeat and then they sat on the floor on the other side of the room.
Reflecting back on this part of my labor i just have to smile. It was perfect, and just how labor should be: Peaceful. The lights were all out, my mom and and Julie were asleep in the living room, Dan was asleep and Sara and Jodi were crocheting. We were all just patiently waiting. No interruptions, no checking, no monitors beeping, no uncomfortable gowns..... just me, just us,  simply in our own home.
Sara said that they were going to go drive around to find some coffee and to let her know if anything happens. After they left i decided to walk around the house. I couldn't help but notice the full moon that was SO bright. There was something about it that gave me a sense of peace every time i walked past the back door and saw it.
I asked Dan to wake up and try to massage my lower back during the contractions as i was beginning to have a lot of back labor. I had been squatting most of the night and resumed that position.
Around 6:30am my mom and Julie started to get up and at 7am i heard the pitter-patter of Isaiah's little feet upstairs. By 8am i was beginning to wonder if my Midwife had found coffee in our small little town and sure enough, when i texted her, she said that they had just been sitting outside in her car. I told her that i was beginning to feel a little pushy and she asked if i wanted her to come inside. She was incredibly respectful of my own ability to think for myself.... no commands, no suggestions, no interruptions to check how many centimeters i was dilated, only praise for how well i was doing.
Isaiah made his way over to me and gave me his usual morning snuggles. Then he spent the rest of the morning playing quietly with Grandma Julie.
My Midwife, Sara, came in and Jodi listened to the babies heartbeat. They made themselves comfortable on the couches and were crocheting again. I loved it. When i asked my Midwife if i should change anything i was doing she said that i was doing great, and should do whatever my body feels most comfortable doing. She said that she was having a hard time gauging where i was at because i was so quiet. The following day she told me that she had only 1 other client that was as quiet as i was during my labor. I am a silent laborer, that is how i stay calm and relaxed. I focus a lot on my breathing so that i don't get carried away with the pain.
Around 9:15am Isaiah joined me again and helped daddy rub my back during a few contractions and helped me drink some water. He is such a lover, his daddy has taught him well.
Jodi listened to the heartbeat again as i think we could all tell, at least i could, that i was nearing the end. I never kept track of how long i was in labor, it just didn't enter my mind. I do remember wondering if it would ever be over though.
I felt like i needed to go pee, so Dan and i went into the bathroom together. I had a strong contraction and then made my way over to the toilet. Almost as soon as i was sitting down i had another strong contraction and my water broke. It was so powerful that i let out a big moan and i honestly thought that the babies head had come out! Dan and i looked at each other and then very slowly the bathroom door opened and Sara asked if i was doing ok. She asked if i wanted to stay there or move back into the living room and so Dan and Sara helped me waddle to the couch where i sat down. I don't remember this, but Jodi said that when i sat down that i told them it was time for me to push. Between the time my water broke and our babies entrance into the world was 15 minutes. It all happened so fast after such a long labor. Feeling the intensity of pushing out your baby is something i cannot explain. I could feel every little movement forward and every little regression as well. Its incredibly painful....and yet.... its not. I was the 1st to feel the top of his head and it was an amazing feeling knowing that i was so close to holding our blessing in my arms. Sara handed me a few cloths with Arnica oil on them to help in the process of not tearing. (Which i am happy to say was successful). First his head came out, with his little hand tucked up by his chin, which he slipped back inside. My mom and husband called for Julie and Isaiah to come downstairs. As they came racing down the stairs i had another contraction and i pushed the rest of his body out. The cord was draped across his chest and as Sara helped me pull him towards me she moved it out of the way. I felt so relieved that after such a long labor he was finally in my arms AND so shocked that my baby was a 'HE'! I was more than certain that we were going to have a girl. My confidence led me to purchasing a few girl outfits just in case ;-) I also had the reassurance of many others telling me the same thing. Never the less, i was thrilled to have another boy on our hands! We had the name Ezra picked out, but hadn't completely decided on a middle name.... Ezra Jude seemed like the perfect fit for him. A healthy 7lbs 3oz. and 21inches long. It took me a while to take it all fact it took a couple days to really process the whole event in my mind. It was such an incredibly empowering experience and i am so thankful that i had such loving people around me. When you know you are loved and being compassionately cared for it makes it that much easier to love another in return.

Dan, you are the best partner i could ever ask for. You are so sweet, so tender, and yet know exactly how to make me laugh when i need it most. Its overwhelming to share these brown eyed boys with you.
I can't express enough how blessed i am to have been able to share those priceless moments with Isaiah and both of his Grandmas. It was all the more beautiful to have each of you there with me.

Thank you Sara and Jodi for expressing to me the meaning of Midwifery. Compassion never left your eyes and yet you both gave me the space to draw strength and confidence from within and the One who made me. You truly know what it means to respect a women in labor and i will be forever thankful to you for it. You are both amazing!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

To my 3 year old.

What a beautiful morning it was the day that you were born. Peaceful, happy and exciting. You brought tears of joy to your daddy and i the moment we first saw you. Thinking about those first moments still brings tears of joy to my face. There are few people in this world that i am In Love With, and you, my Isaiah Paul, are one of them.
If i could give you one word that embodies your character it would be 'passion'.
You play with a passion.
You run with a passion.
You dance and sing with a passion.
You talk with a passion.
You hug and kiss with passion.
You love with a passion.
Your an "all or nothing" kind of boy.
People remark a lot on how you always seem to never be without a smile, and although you are not perfect, you certainly radiate happiness. Even if i am having a horrible and impatient day, you somehow remain steadfast.
I love that you wear your heart on your sleeve but yet show much self control when i know it is in you to be impulsive. You are a leader, but you know when to follow. You are independent yet still rely so comfortably on me. You are a listener and you take the time to think about what others are saying. You are so aware of the world around you. You are unique and it saddens me when others don't see you as i do.

This past year has been full of changes and excitement:
You pretty much taught yourself how to go diaper free right after you turned 2 which left me a very happy mama.

You learned how to become a big brother. It all started with helping our Midwife check the babies heartbeat while it was growing inside my tummy and helping me through my labor. You were there with us when we welcomed baby Ezra into our home and right away you assigned him is very own car.
You learned how to share a mommy and daddy that was all your own with a new baby and have done an amazing job so far. You are so sweet with Ezra that it absolutely melts my heart. I love to spy on you when your in the room alone with him and he begins to whimper. You get real close and say in a soft high pitched voice "Its okay Ezwa, don't cry Ezwa. Be happy, don't worry." You are so patient. I love seeing the endearment on your face when you are talking to Ezra. You are such a good big brother.

You are in LOVE with Cars. You are Obsessed with cars!! You play with cars every day, all day long. You love watching anything having to do with cars. You bring the cars to the potty, in the car, to the store, on our walks.... you sleep with cars. You talk about cars, fast cars, big cars, little cars. You will be in the middle of a sentence and see a car and exclaim, "Fast Car!" I have no idea what your going to be when you grow up, but i wont be one bit surprised if it has to do with cars.

You are learning about God. Its amazing to hear you talk to God and ask me if we can pray. Your still trying to figure Him out and have asked where He is, but you still continue to talk to Him. I can't wait for the day that you realize all that He has done for You!

You are 3.... 2 is gone. Although i fight the urge to ball my eyes out every single time i think about it, and although i know my heart is going to break with every birthday that comes and goes it will also be filled with so much of your contagious joy, because i am incredibly blessed to be your mother.

I love you Isaiah Paul.... "So Much".

Thursday, June 28, 2012


My friend Katie asked me if i would like to go to the Fredrick Meijer Gardens with her and her 2 boys. They have a membership and free guest pass. She generously drove out to Belding to pick us up. I always appreciate it SO much when people drive all the way out to us, especially to pick us up just to go in the opposite direction!

Anyways, we had so much fun with them. Playdates really benefit Isaiah and i'm always feeling guilty about not getting him out of the house more to play with other children his age. Its hard with only one car and living 30 minutes to an hour away from all our friends.
Her boys are going to be 2 and 4 very soon, so Isaiah is right in the middle of them.
It was a relaxing morning with them and Katie and i were able to chat and follow them around.
Dan and i are considering getting a membership, because its just a great place for families year round.
Enjoy the Pictures!

Thanks for reading!!

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Summer Goals

On Tuesday around 5pm i decided to take a drive out to the beach with my 2 boys. It was a hot day, high 90's and after working for my mom all weekend i felt like getting out and doing something fun.
Isaiah was already in his swimsuit and i had a few diapers and my Moby Wrap, pretty much all we need to have a fun filled evening.
I stopped to grab a bite of food for the road and Isaiah slept on the car ride there. He woke up as soon as we were turning the bend that opens up to the great view of the lake. He was thrilled!
We had so much fun splashing in the waves and kicking sand at each others legs. He ran around in circles for what seemed like forever. Since it was a spur of the moment decision to go out there i didn't have a camera with me, or even my phone. Bummer.
This is the 2nd time we have been out there this summer which makes me SO happy! I love the summer, warm weather and sunny skies, its just the best in my opinion! It got me to thinking about my summer goals.....

~ Have a smashing fun 3rd Birthday party for Isaiah! (in the works)
~ Go on a childless date with my Husband
~ Go to the beach at least 5 times
~ Go Blueberry picking (i went last summer and i'm pretty sure Isaiah ate just as many as i picked, that was fun the following day LOL)
~ Go Strawberry picking
~ Have a garage sale (already in the works)
~ complete 3 different crafts
~ Go to the Zoo
~ Go to Fredrick Meijer Gardens
~ Go on a road trip
~ Run a 5K .... possibly 2.
~ Blog about all of the above!

Hopefully i can accomplish most of those. Its going to be a busy summer as it is another summer of weddings for us! I am so, so excited. I just love watching the ones i love most get married. What a happy time of life!
Dan was in a wedding last month. My sister is getting married on July 4th. Dan is the Best Man in our friend Toms wedding in August. My childhood friend, Michelle, is getting married  at the end of August as well. Her twin sister, Erika, is also getting married 3 weeks later. I am a Bridesmaid in both of their weddings. I feel so honored! I am so excited to celebrate with all of them!

At the end of summer i will come back and see if i've accomplished all my goals. Writing them down usually keeps me a bit more accountable. If you are at all interested in joining me while i do any of those activities feel free! The more the merrier!

Thanks for reading! :-)

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Difference.

Can you tell who is who?

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

My Hands are Full, and so is My Heart.

I can't believe Ezra is going to be 6 weeks this Friday! That beautiful morning feels like forever ago, and at the same time like it was yesterday.
He is already starting to grow out of his Newborn clothes and cloth diapers at a whopping 9.5lbs!

God has blessed me with him and already been challenging my patience with him. So far i feel like i have remained strong in parenting 2 little ones. It seems the question everyone is asking me these days is: "Is he sleeping through the night yet?" I always giggle inside, because in my mind i don't expect a newborn to sleep through the night. I know people are always just concerned that the mother is getting enough sleep herself.... but that too makes me giggle. Motherhood = sleep deprived. Amazingly enough, Ezra has been sleeping like a champ! From his first night on he hasn't woken up more than 1 or 2 times during the night. He even sleeps in for me. I had prepared myself for at least a year of sleeplessness. Mr. Big Brother was not easy when it came to sleep. Around 1 1/2 he naturally began to sleep thru the night on his own. I was so grateful. Co-sleeping has worked wonders for our family and has proven itself to me again with Ezra.

During the day is another story.
I am still trying to figure out if Ezra is colicky or just a very high-need infant.
The first 2 to 3 weeks were absolutely bliss and i was under the illusion that i had a miracle baby. He Never cried.... not even when he was hungry, needed a diaper change, or tired. He just never cried. I almost worried about him at some points.
BUT then it was almost as if he woke up one morning and decided that he would rather just cry all day long. He literally does cry all day. If he is not sleeping or in my Moby wrap then he is crying. That is both an understatement and an overstatement. He does have his few moments of contentment and smiles, but otherwise he is overall pretty cranky in my opinion.
My mom suggested that i take him to my chiropractor. She said it worked wonders for one of her colicky babies. I think i'll give it a try.

I'm pretty particular about my home. There have been very few times in the past couple years that my home has gotten out of hand. Neat freakish-ness runs in my family... and i will blame it on them. It is more of a burden than anything.... so don't wish it upon yourself.
On that note: It has been very hard to get anything done when i am carrying Ezra all day. I really can't put him down, both because I don't want to and he doesn't want me to. Carrying him in my Moby wrap is the only way i can get around, and even that has its limits. I mean, i can't bring it in the shower with me. :-)
My husband is an amazing Daddy and tries to help me out..... but the only thing that is worse than holding my crying baby, is watching while someone else is holding my crying baby. Dan has mostly taken Isaiah duty these days. I am amazed at the relentlessness that he has when he gets home from work. Isaiah greets him at the door and after he has changed and washed his hands he plays with Isaiah until bedtime. I do have to say that i miss Isaiah though. I noticed an ache in my heart soon after Ezra was born and i realized it was because i could no longer focus my everything on my one and only. I knew it was coming, and that i would have to balance my time between the 2, but i wasn't prepared for the feeling that came along with it.

As far as tiredness and energy goes i feel great. The days following Ezra's birth didn't feel any different to me. I didn't even feel like i had birthed a baby. I was barely tired and even went outside the next day. When my midwife came for a visit the following day she was surprised that i was even up and walking around. I thought that i would be sore from squatting and 36 hours of contractions, but wasn't. It was so nice and i blame it all on a little secret of mine. AND if you are really curious as to what that is.... then you can shoot me a message on Facebook, or email me. :-)

So that's it, that's us and that is my life as of right now.
As far as my birth story goes, i am still working on it.... actually i haven't even started. That is certainly one of the hardest things to write for me. It is so personal, intimate, monumental, and endearing to me. I will write it though, and it will be sooner than later!

Thanks for reading!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Anticipation! (9 days "late')

This has definitely been 9 days of anticipation! I love being pregnant, BUT i am so ready to meet our little one! Every time i feel it moving around, which is quite often, i just long to be holding it in my arms. I want to meet this beautiful creation that God has made inside of me!

I talked with my Midwife yesterday and she reassured me that i am doing fine. Originally my calculated due date was March 27th. I have always measured farther along though and my due date was calculated for the 12th. Although i measured at 40 weeks at my last visit with my Midwife i still have a lot of leeway with my due date. So being 9 days over really is of no concern. I am almost positive though that if i was having my baby at the hospital and had a doctor that they would be pushing me to induce....grrr! Thank goodness for Homebirth! (thank goodness for hospitals, when Needed)

I am feeling really good except for my feet. The soles of my feet are starting to get really tired from carrying so much weight.... and improper footwear which i blame on this warm weather. I have been going on walks every day since my due date. Sometimes a couple times a day. My midwife also suggested that i eat Eggplant to possibly get things going. We had Eggplant Parmesan last night for dinner and last night around 3:30am i am almost positive that i woke up to a contraction. I went to the bathroom and went back to bed and felt nothing else. Last week the same thing happened the night after i wrote my pregnancy update. I felt a couple contractions throughout the night, but they were gone by morning. Maybe i'm just dreaming.....

I think the pressure from everyone was really starting to get to me this past weekend and i felt myself getting pretty emotional. I spent Monday and Tuesday at my moms which i am so thankful for. It really helped to get my mind off of everything and just relax with Isaiah and enjoy the beautiful weather with my nieces and nephews. I think i would be going crazy if it wasn't for this weather!!

So maybe THIS will be my last pregnancy update!!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Last Pregnancy update....maybe.

As of the 12th (yesterday), i am now 40 weeks pregnant. I cannot believe that i have been pregnant for the last 9 months. On one hand it feels like forever and in another light it has gone by so fast.
I had a Midwife visit yesterday and it was great. They all have been great, but it was so exciting knowing that it could be my last visit. At my previous visit the baby was in a bit of an awkward position that would have led to a lot of back labor, which is no fun. This time (yesterday) within seconds of me lifting up my shirt for my Midwife to check the baby she exclaimed "Wow, she's moved!". I loved it! I love how in tune and connected Midwives become to their clients and babies. It really is amazing to watch.
The babies head is engaged and in a great position to be born. I measured exactly 40 weeks and everything looks great. It left me feeling so at ease and ready to meet my new little one.....boy or girl :-)
My mom and i went out to get a Mani/Pedi, which was her Birthday gift to me. My midwife told me that she just had 2 clients who had both gone into labor right after getting a Pedicure, so i thought it might be a good night to finally go out and do it.... obviously it didn't work, but i do have pretty toes and nails just in time for some amazing weather! Today Isaiah and i spent most of the day outside. We played in the yard and then went for a long walk down to the park and back. I've definitely had a lot of Braxton-Hicks, especially when i am doing something active..... but nothing more, and that is okay with me. I am a firm believer in letting the baby come on its own when it is good and ready.
I have been replaying Isaiah's Birth in my head over and over and i have been so curious as to how this next birth will play out differently. Last time it was so intimate.... just me, my husband, my Midwife and my mom. This time Isaiah, my Mother in law, my friend Mandy, and Doula Jodi will also be here with us..... 8 people in our tiny house. I know that it will still be very intimate, just in a different way.
I am so excited to watch how Isaiah reacts to everything. He may be a little confused with all the people at our house at once, but i think he really will understand what is going on. He seems to get that the baby is coming out of my belly soon and that we will get to hold it and take care of it as a family.

So instead of listening to my body and putting myself to bed i am up typing this and thinking about the 2 baskets of clothes standing a couple feet in front of me that need to be folded.....the dust that i saw earlier on the bookshelf upstairs.... the car seat that needs to be put in the car.... oh i could go on.
That is definitely one thing that is an adjustment with having a Homebirth verses a hospital birth. Normally most visitors will come see you at the hospital before you are discharged to go home. With a Homebirth people are coming to your home to see you and the baby and if your a neat freak like me than it is definitely something you have to choose to relax about. Most people don't really know how to react to a Homebirth... its really quit simple. You come to see the baby and the family. You offer your warm regards. Then you happily go on your way and let the mother and family get some rest. Just like you would if they were at the hospital. :-)

I think it is time for me to say goodnight, and hopefully next time i post it will be about our second Birth story!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Circumcision.... my thoughts.

One thing that has weighed heavily on my mind throughout this 2nd pregnancy is circumcision. With Isaiah, our first, we chose to have him circumcised. It was something that I was very hesitant to do, but was convinced otherwise. After a very peaceful Homebirth we met with a family doctor and went through THIS very traumatizing experience. I know there will be a day that I will have to apologize to Isaiah for what I allowed to happen to him.

Thinking back on that experience, I still get very worked up about it. It is something that i DO NOT want to have to make the choice for any more of my future son(s)! If they choose to have it done themselves then that is fine, and their choice, not mine.
Even though I am the parent, I still do not feel like I have the right to permanently remove a part of my sons body that contains over 20,000 sexually receptive nerve endings. It is the most sexually sensitive part of the penis. It is an absolutely un-needed procedure that is done across America for reasons such as "looking like dad" or "looking like the other boys in the locker room so he doesn't get teased".  I'm sorry but that is such a Hitler argument, if you know what I mean. Lets say my daughter has very small breasts and she gets teased about it in highschool... does that mean I take her out to get breast implants so that she can look like everyone else. Lets say that my husband goes bald or blind at some point.... does that mean my sons must shave their heads and gouge out their eyes to be like their father??!

I remember, after the first part of Isaiah's circumcision we went to a wedding a day or 2 later. He was only 3 weeks old at that point. I took him out to the car to change his diaper and was shocked to see that he had bled through his not only his gauze, but also his diaper, onesie AND pants! At least 117 baby boys die from complications of circumcision each year.... that is more than SIDS and Auto accidents combined for males alone.
My son could have been one of them....

Most people, that know me, know that I am pretty crunchy when it comes to health. We don't Vaccinate, we don't use antibiotics, we cloth diaper, breastfeed, Homebirth, eat as Organic/Raw/sugarless as possible. We use only natural or organic body products and cleaning supplies, etc. etc. etc.
When Isaiah had his circumcision in the hospital he received an IV, antibiotics, anesthesia, Morphine, a catheter, sugar water... etc. I am not even going to get into what kind of effects that had on his body.

Now I am sure you are wondering about some cold hard facts surrounding circumcision. Could it really be that bad?
THIS is a clip of Marilyn Milos, R.N., executive director and founder of NOCIRC, discusses normal sexual function of the penis and foreskin and its loss due to circumcision.
THIS is an article on why it is worse for an infant verses an adult male to go through circumcision.
A very informative VIDEO given by a research professional.
HERE is a more humorous video on why not to circumcise.
If your still not convinced WATCH the actual procedure of a circumcised infant. I can't.
Also, check out

Maybe you have another argument....
Yes, Jesus, Himself, was circumcised but He paid the price for us as Christians and we no longer have to live by the Jewish covenant law.
Gal. 3:13 ~ Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us.
Gal. 5:6 ~ For in Christ Jesus, neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.
1 Cor. 7:19 ~ Circumcision is nothing and uncircumcision is nothing. Keeping Gods commands is what counts.
Acts 15:28, 29 ~ It seemed good to the Holy Spirit and to us not to burden you with anything beyond the following requirements: You are to abstain from food sacrificed to idols, from blood, from the meat of strangled animals and from sexual immorality. You will do well to avoid these things.
Romans 2:29 ~ A man is a Jew if he is one inwardly; and circumcision is circumcision of the HEART, by the Spirit, not by the written code. Such a man's praise is not from men, but from God.

So those are my thoughts and beliefs on the subject, and i feel much better getting it out. Thanks for taking the time to read about my heart and life. I am by no means trying to be controversial, but am simply sharing something that I feel very passionate about. Like every parent, I am trying to do my best in raising my children, and this is me doing my best.

"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."
-Maya Anglou

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

A Rough Day

Today was strange to say the least.

Isaiah is normally a very responsive child when it comes to correction or discipline. If he is doing something that i don't approve of i will ask him to come to me and look me in the eyes. I then tell him what he did, why i don't want him to continue and to please stop. If he did something wrong towards myself or someone else i will ask him to apologize. If he is just doing something that i would rather him not do, i will ask him to say "okay, mama". I very rarely have to ask him him twice and he has always seemed very content with my correction.
Today i parented a very different child. I don't know what got into him or why he was being so stubborn, but it seemed like he didn't want to listen to me at all. I didn't give in and let him carry on or continue with a negative attitude.... because i just don't ever want him to see that i am going to give up when it comes to fighting for his heart. I ended some of our "battles" in prayer because i had no idea what else to do.
I was SO ready for 6 o'clock to come around so that i could put him to bed and i don't usually feel that way, especially on a night that i know my husband will be getting home quite late. It was a struggle to get Isaiah to settle down for bed, but finally we read some books together and he was content. Then somehow he got all worked up again over something... i honestly don't know what and he decided he didn't want to share the pillows with me. Finally i just laid down and he swung backwards and the back of his head collided with my nose. That's when i burst into tears......
I didn't even know what was happening. It honestly took me a second to realize that i was balling my eyes out in front of my son. I sat up and just held my head in my hands as the tears seemed to endlessly flow. I glanced up and saw that Isaiah was sitting there in the dark watching his Mama as he had never seen her before. I felt absolutely horrible, but at the same time i couldn't stop. It was an entire day of worry, confusion and question all coming out at once.
Finally, Isaiah.... my sweet Isaiah, put his head into my shoulder as if he wanted to cry too. Then we both laid down and he wrapped his little arms around my neck so tightly and it was silent for a while. Then he put his head up and looked at my face and asked "Are you sad?".... 
"Yes, yes i am sad." I gave him a kiss and told him i loved him. 
Then he fell asleep.

I laid there for a while feeling awful about the day, and how it had ended. I was searching for an excuse for Isaiah's actions so that i could continue to give myself a pat on the back for being a good parent. I try to always stay patient and gentle with Isaiah. I never yell at him or disrespect him. But ya know what?? I am not perfect either. I could try to do all that i can to be an example to Isaiah but he is not in my hands. His heart, and his mind are not in my hands. Even tonight when i was crying out for his heart, i was not alone. There is someone so much greater than I that is constantly fighting for his soul. Yes, Isaiah behaves. Yes, he is sweet. Yes, he is happy.....But no, he does not always behave. He is not always sweet, and he is not always happy. Why? Because he is human and a sinner just like me, and just like you. It is absolutely heartbreaking to watch my own child make mistakes and choose to be obstinate. It leaves me feeling helpless and like i am a horrible parent doesn't matter if i am known as a good parent, i would rather God be known as a great God.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Waiting on a Desire.

The 2 years before we got pregnant with our 2nd baby wasn't all joy and happiness. I don't cry very often, i  have always been more of a suppressor when it came to letting my tears flow. There was an evening about a year and a half ago that i found myself bearing it all to my mom and good friend, Jerika. I remember people asking me very quickly after Isaiah's birth if we wanted more kids, when we were going to have more (etc. ) and it seemed to be a constant question up until we did get pregnant.

Growing up my desire was always to be a Mom someday and a stay at home mom at that. I didn't know when that would be, and when Dan and i got married we intended to wait at least a couple years. Like almost all things in life, they don't go as planned, and God blessed us with an amazing son at His choice of perfect timing. We hadn't done much to prevent having a baby, and so a part of me was a little bit surprised that it had taken a year, but didn't think much of it at the time. I was too Thrilled that we were going to be parents for the first time!
After Isaiah's birth i knew i wanted to do it all over again, and wouldn't have minded a bit if i had gotten pregnant right away. In fact i wanted to, but knew that financially we were certainly not ready. I felt so blessed to just have one, that it was easy to find contentment for a while. Then a while turned into a year which is about the time that it hit me of how much i desired to have another child. A couple months later and i couldn't stop thinking about it. It felt like something was missing. It was such an empty feeling. Every single month was a disappointment to me. I would feel my body start to change and i would work so hard at suppressing the hopes of being pregnant and a couple days later i would have my "monthly visit". It was almost as if i was mourning the absence of a child. I felt like i was crying all the time, it was ridiculous.
The only thing that helped me was continually telling God how much i wanted a baby and asking Him to give me contentment until His perfect timing. I knew that He was waiting for the perfect time and it frustrated me so much that i didn't know when that was going to be. I would get myself worked up thinking it might be another couple years, or wondering if there was something not working right in my body, or Dans.
I am not the most patient person, as anyone who knows me would tell you. There have been many times that God has tried to teach me patience and this was definitely one of those times! It was SO hard though, and even now as i am trying to find the right words to explain how i felt i feel like i am not doing it justice. I guess why i wanted to write a post about that time in my life is because i know way too many women and couples who have struggled to get pregnant, but for them it went far past a constant desire or worry into doctor offices and procedures. I know women right now who are waiting to get pregnant or are finally pregnant after waiting a few years for it to happen. I just want to encourage anyone who may be feeling the way that i did and remind you that God has his perfect timing. I can see in numerous ways how this next child of ours IS perfect timing and a part of me feels so foolish for the times i spent sad or discontent.....including the 7 weeks of being pregnant and not knowing it.
God has a plan for each of us and although wanting a child or another child can feel so lonely at times, God promises to give us the desires of our hearts. That may sound so shallow to some people, but it was the only thing that got me through that time.
You are not alone.