Tuesday, January 24, 2012

A Rough Day

Today was strange to say the least.

Isaiah is normally a very responsive child when it comes to correction or discipline. If he is doing something that i don't approve of i will ask him to come to me and look me in the eyes. I then tell him what he did, why i don't want him to continue and to please stop. If he did something wrong towards myself or someone else i will ask him to apologize. If he is just doing something that i would rather him not do, i will ask him to say "okay, mama". I very rarely have to ask him him twice and he has always seemed very content with my correction.
Today i parented a very different child. I don't know what got into him or why he was being so stubborn, but it seemed like he didn't want to listen to me at all. I didn't give in and let him carry on or continue with a negative attitude.... because i just don't ever want him to see that i am going to give up when it comes to fighting for his heart. I ended some of our "battles" in prayer because i had no idea what else to do.
I was SO ready for 6 o'clock to come around so that i could put him to bed and i don't usually feel that way, especially on a night that i know my husband will be getting home quite late. It was a struggle to get Isaiah to settle down for bed, but finally we read some books together and he was content. Then somehow he got all worked up again over something... i honestly don't know what and he decided he didn't want to share the pillows with me. Finally i just laid down and he swung backwards and the back of his head collided with my nose. That's when i burst into tears......
I didn't even know what was happening. It honestly took me a second to realize that i was balling my eyes out in front of my son. I sat up and just held my head in my hands as the tears seemed to endlessly flow. I glanced up and saw that Isaiah was sitting there in the dark watching his Mama as he had never seen her before. I felt absolutely horrible, but at the same time i couldn't stop. It was an entire day of worry, confusion and question all coming out at once.
Finally, Isaiah.... my sweet Isaiah, put his head into my shoulder as if he wanted to cry too. Then we both laid down and he wrapped his little arms around my neck so tightly and it was silent for a while. Then he put his head up and looked at my face and asked "Are you sad?".... 
"Yes, yes i am sad." I gave him a kiss and told him i loved him. 
Then he fell asleep.

I laid there for a while feeling awful about the day, and how it had ended. I was searching for an excuse for Isaiah's actions so that i could continue to give myself a pat on the back for being a good parent. I try to always stay patient and gentle with Isaiah. I never yell at him or disrespect him. But ya know what?? I am not perfect either. I could try to do all that i can to be an example to Isaiah but he is not in my hands. His heart, and his mind are not in my hands. Even tonight when i was crying out for his heart, i was not alone. There is someone so much greater than I that is constantly fighting for his soul. Yes, Isaiah behaves. Yes, he is sweet. Yes, he is happy.....But no, he does not always behave. He is not always sweet, and he is not always happy. Why? Because he is human and a sinner just like me, and just like you. It is absolutely heartbreaking to watch my own child make mistakes and choose to be obstinate. It leaves me feeling helpless and like i am a horrible parent but....it doesn't matter if i am known as a good parent, i would rather God be known as a great God.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Waiting on a Desire.

The 2 years before we got pregnant with our 2nd baby wasn't all joy and happiness. I don't cry very often, i  have always been more of a suppressor when it came to letting my tears flow. There was an evening about a year and a half ago that i found myself bearing it all to my mom and good friend, Jerika. I remember people asking me very quickly after Isaiah's birth if we wanted more kids, when we were going to have more (etc. ) and it seemed to be a constant question up until we did get pregnant.

Growing up my desire was always to be a Mom someday and a stay at home mom at that. I didn't know when that would be, and when Dan and i got married we intended to wait at least a couple years. Like almost all things in life, they don't go as planned, and God blessed us with an amazing son at His choice of perfect timing. We hadn't done much to prevent having a baby, and so a part of me was a little bit surprised that it had taken a year, but didn't think much of it at the time. I was too Thrilled that we were going to be parents for the first time!
After Isaiah's birth i knew i wanted to do it all over again, and wouldn't have minded a bit if i had gotten pregnant right away. In fact i wanted to, but knew that financially we were certainly not ready. I felt so blessed to just have one, that it was easy to find contentment for a while. Then a while turned into a year which is about the time that it hit me of how much i desired to have another child. A couple months later and i couldn't stop thinking about it. It felt like something was missing. It was such an empty feeling. Every single month was a disappointment to me. I would feel my body start to change and i would work so hard at suppressing the hopes of being pregnant and a couple days later i would have my "monthly visit". It was almost as if i was mourning the absence of a child. I felt like i was crying all the time, it was ridiculous.
The only thing that helped me was continually telling God how much i wanted a baby and asking Him to give me contentment until His perfect timing. I knew that He was waiting for the perfect time and it frustrated me so much that i didn't know when that was going to be. I would get myself worked up thinking it might be another couple years, or wondering if there was something not working right in my body, or Dans.
I am not the most patient person, as anyone who knows me would tell you. There have been many times that God has tried to teach me patience and this was definitely one of those times! It was SO hard though, and even now as i am trying to find the right words to explain how i felt i feel like i am not doing it justice. I guess why i wanted to write a post about that time in my life is because i know way too many women and couples who have struggled to get pregnant, but for them it went far past a constant desire or worry into doctor offices and procedures. I know women right now who are waiting to get pregnant or are finally pregnant after waiting a few years for it to happen. I just want to encourage anyone who may be feeling the way that i did and remind you that God has his perfect timing. I can see in numerous ways how this next child of ours IS perfect timing and a part of me feels so foolish for the times i spent sad or discontent.....including the 7 weeks of being pregnant and not knowing it.
God has a plan for each of us and although wanting a child or another child can feel so lonely at times, God promises to give us the desires of our hearts. That may sound so shallow to some people, but it was the only thing that got me through that time.
You are not alone.