Growing up my desire was always to be a Mom someday and a stay at home mom at that. I didn't know when that would be, and when Dan and i got married we intended to wait at least a couple years. Like almost all things in life, they don't go as planned, and God blessed us with an amazing son at His choice of perfect timing. We hadn't done much to prevent having a baby, and so a part of me was a little bit surprised that it had taken a year, but didn't think much of it at the time. I was too Thrilled that we were going to be parents for the first time!
After Isaiah's birth i knew i wanted to do it all over again, and wouldn't have minded a bit if i had gotten pregnant right away. In fact i wanted to, but knew that financially we were certainly not ready. I felt so blessed to just have one, that it was easy to find contentment for a while. Then a while turned into a year which is about the time that it hit me of how much i desired to have another child. A couple months later and i couldn't stop thinking about it. It felt like something was missing. It was such an empty feeling. Every single month was a disappointment to me. I would feel my body start to change and i would work so hard at suppressing the hopes of being pregnant and a couple days later i would have my "monthly visit". It was almost as if i was mourning the absence of a child. I felt like i was crying all the time, it was ridiculous.
The only thing that helped me was continually telling God how much i wanted a baby and asking Him to give me contentment until His perfect timing. I knew that He was waiting for the perfect time and it frustrated me so much that i didn't know when that was going to be. I would get myself worked up thinking it might be another couple years, or wondering if there was something not working right in my body, or Dans.
I am not the most patient person, as anyone who knows me would tell you. There have been many times that God has tried to teach me patience and this was definitely one of those times! It was SO hard though, and even now as i am trying to find the right words to explain how i felt i feel like i am not doing it justice. I guess why i wanted to write a post about that time in my life is because i know way too many women and couples who have struggled to get pregnant, but for them it went far past a constant desire or worry into doctor offices and procedures. I know women right now who are waiting to get pregnant or are finally pregnant after waiting a few years for it to happen. I just want to encourage anyone who may be feeling the way that i did and remind you that God has his perfect timing. I can see in numerous ways how this next child of ours IS perfect timing and a part of me feels so foolish for the times i spent sad or discontent.....including the 7 weeks of being pregnant and not knowing it.
God has a plan for each of us and although wanting a child or another child can feel so lonely at times, God promises to give us the desires of our hearts. That may sound so shallow to some people, but it was the only thing that got me through that time.
You are not alone.